Learning to be Generous

Have you noticed that when you are stingy, you end up feeling kind of bad? 

But when you share, you experience a delicious sense of grandness? The joy that comes from really connecting with another person ... if not the very universe itself?

I started out a generous kid, freely sharing my "stuff" with others. But by the sixth grade, I'd formed a hardened shell, the result of being taken advantage of one too many times by kids who labeled me an easy mark.

My "I gotta keep what's mine" philosophy stayed with me a long time. So breaking free of that prison, when I eventually decided to do so, took a very long time as well. Change is never easy. In fact, I'd say I've only become a truly generous person in the last five years. 

The motivation to do so came about from watching my little sister, Dona. She's the kind of person who typically grabs the check when she's lunching with someone. And she tips REALLY well. But that's just the small stuff. I once saw Dona buy a couch for someone simply because the person needed one. A couch, people! 

And one time I visited her, Dona marched me into the mall and bought me a pair of $80 jeans. Because she knew I wanted them, but would never fork over that much cash for denim. 

I was floored by her generosity. But then I began to feel really shallow. And evil. Because I didn't have the same desire to gift her back. 

Still, Dona affected change in me: I began to literally ache within my soul to be as free with my stuff as she was with hers. The problem was, in the back of my mind I was always tallying up how much things cost -- and whether my expenditure on another person was "worth" it.

Pretty selfish, huh?

But I'm here to testify that we (you and I) can change, especially with God's help. 

It was hard in the beginning, but I forced myself to buy one person I knew something each week. It didn't have to cost a lot. That wasn't the point. The point was that I was training myself to give away that which I was most tightly holding on to. This became easier when I realized that everything I have is because of God's generosity. And that He expects me to use what He gives me to make the world a better place.

I still have a long way to go in regards to generosity. I'm still not moved every time to give after reading a sob story in the paper. Or even to give to every panhandler I pass in downtown Buffalo. But I did loan a complete stranger $50, on the promise that she return the money a couple of hours later, after she had time to get to a bank. SHE DID!!

I wasn't sure she'd come through. But if she didn't, I had already decided she was a wise investment. A deposit in the Bank of Generosity. 

Truth be told, there's one thing I've noticed about taking risks like that: when I give without expecting return, God rewards me big time. I think just to show me how big He really is.  ;-)

I'm Liking This

A friend sent these words to me. I don't know who wrote them ... but if I could, I'd tell the author he or she is pretty darn wise.  ;-)

Sow a thought, and reap an act.

Sow an act, and reap a habit.

Sow a habit, and reap a character.

Sow character, and reap a destiny.

Feeling Grateful for the Hubby

Tonight, as I listen to the soundtrack of the musical Wicked, I'm feeling especially grateful that God has gifted me with such a stellar husband. 

Actually, that kind of cracks me up, because at one point in our marriage (by "point" I mean FIVE long years!!), I couldn't stand his guts. Or his face. Or his stinky gym shoes. Or his hair clogging up the bathroom sink. Or ... well, I think you get the picture.  ;-)

To put it bluntly, our relationship had come to such a grinding halt, it was frozen in place. Hell has never had such low temps, trust me. 

And all because we slowly got complacent over the years, allowing grudges and disappointments and misunderstandings (and a painful miscarriage) to make us forget what made us so great together.

It wasn't until I finally picked up a phone to call a lawyer that a miracle happened: we started fighting our way back to each other, instead of fighting against each other.

I don't suggest this route to any couple looking to strengthen their marriage bonds. It works, IF you get through it. But the physical and emotional pain is nearly unbearable. Your heart literally feels like it's being crushed. By an elephant. Stomping around in spiked boots.

And yet, through God's grace, we've again become best friends. My hubby is my pillar of strength, the person I most admire and want to be like (unfortunately, I lack his brain cells!).

Thank you, God, for keeping us together; for hovering over us with whispers of encouragement and love and peace. And thanks so much that you're using him to daily mold and shape me into a better person.  ;-)

<<Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea. Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.>>

*from Because I Knew You, by Stephen Schwartz, composer and lyricist of Wicked

The One Thing I Wish I Could Remember....

If I had one wish, it would be this:

That I would always remember to love my neighbor as much as I love myself.

Wishing ain't gonna get me there, I suppose. 

Help me, Lord. I just can't do it on my own.

Is God Too Big?

I really love reading the Old Testament. Perhaps because I love the tenacity of the prophets. The many miracles. The examples of great, and dismal, leadership. (That's a big "Yay!" for King David; a big "Boo!" for King Solomon, supposedly the wisest man to walk the planet.)

Mostly I love reading the stories that help me to understand God's greatness. Many of the Old Testament stories hammer home the truth that we can trust God, because He is so big.

One group of Old Testament people, in particular, struggled with trusting God. I'm talking about the Israelites, God's chosen people. The Israelites were really good at whining, complaining, and turning their backs on God. 

God repeatedly demonstrated His trustworthiness to the Israelites. He split the sea in two so they could cross it. He sent quail by the wind and manna with the dew. He promised them a bright future in a land "flowing with milk and honey" if they would only follow after Him.

Yet it seems that God's bigness was just too mind-boggling for them. They wanted a god they could get their arms around. One they could box up in a safe little package. With a bow.

So they threw their gold jewelry into a hot fire and got all happy when a shiny gold calf jumped out. 

Now they had a god they could see and touch. A god who didn't make all kinds of scary promises and big demands. (Ever see an idol talk back?!) A god small enough for their fearful brains to trust in.

I just don't get that rationale. It's like when people say to me, "I can't believe in God, because I can't see, smell, or touch Him." 

But you believe in oxygen? And viruses? And emotions? And thoughts?

Everyone tries to put God in a nice little box. Personally, I'm glad He's just way too big.